BREAKING: Tucker Texts Reveal Hidden, Secret, Completely Unsuspected RACISM (It wasn't unsuspected by ME, and this snarky prick is headed for an even GREATER downfall than getting BUTT fucked by Faux a few weeks ago, lol)
Seismic news this week, as leaked texts suggest recently defenestrated telefascist Tucker Carlson may hold some, shall we say “problematic” views on race. To think, were it not for these texts, the poor, misled Murdoch family might ne’er have learned of the secret bigot in their midst.
They hide among us, you know. Jesse Watters knows ‘em when he sees ‘em, and if you can’t trust Jesse Watters, who can you trust?
Anyway, Fox’s feral audience remains in open revolt. I’m surprised they didn’t tear Kilmeade apart with their teeth, honestly. WANT TUCK-TUCK! WANT TUCK-TUCK OR NO WATCH WATCH! BRING TUCK-TUCK BACK RIGHT NOW! All while shitting themselves and buying NFTs, I assume.
The race to replace the host of Fox’s prime time White Power Hour has already devolved into precisely the sort of competitive hate-mongering you’d expect, as the various shrieking heads vie for the attention of cruelty addicts. It’s been pretty gross.
But oh what a treat, Tucker Carlson’s thoughts on “how white men fight.” We’ve seen how white men fight, Tucker. Thanks to you. White men fight with nail guns. With their cars. With “stun guns, pepper spray, baseball bats and flagpoles wielded as clubs.” During the pandemic, every now and then, one of ‘em would cough on somebody.
And of course, whenever possible, they “fight” with AR-15s.
Big week for the AR-15, wasn’t it? “A man using an AR-15-style weapon shot and killed five people Friday, including an 8-year-old — an angry response to the neighbors’ request that he stop shooting in his yard while their baby was trying to sleep.”
Look, the Second Amendment is unambiguous here. My right to play with my murder toy clearly outweighs your baby’s right to sleep, and your attempt to violate my rights activates my right to slaughter your entire family. Why, James Madison himself shot up the nation’s very first Wendy’s, simply because his fries were cold.
That’s why Matt Gaetz wants a national Stand Your Ground law, because the next generation of Rittenhouse wannabes must be allowed to act out their violent fantasies, free from fear of incarceration. It’s just common sense.
Letters to Trump came out, and it’s actually even more embarrassing than it appears on the surface, which is impressive, because on the surface, it’s a coffee table book dedicated to the pettiest fixations of an aging game show host.
I see the mighty alpha among alphas is still afraid of debates. He’s very impressive, though. I can see why you’d build a cult of personality around him. This one time, he passed a cognitive test.
Despite his undeniable expertise in the field of Identifying Drawings of Elephants, constitutional law remains something of a blind spot, and now he gets to pay the New York Times’ legal fees. Also, at least eight of his fake Georgia electors have accepted immunity deals. Oh, and Jack Smith has an “insider witness” down at Marm-a-Lago.
Which brings us to his nauseating deposition in the E. Jean Carroll trial. Watching Donald Trump vamp on the Access Hollywood tape is like watching a rectal cyst leak.
Getting convicted of seditious conspiracy is probably my favorite thing the Proud Boys have ever done. Also my favorite thing the Oath Keepers have ever done, coincidentally enough, though I anticipate enjoying both groups’ rotting-in-prison period nearly as much.
Saw a story titled, “DeSantis Disappoints British Business Leaders Ahead of Expected 2024 Presidential Bid,” and chuckled, because we’re gonna see a whole lotta headlines in the weeks to come that start with those two words. “DeSantis disappoints.” Rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it? And so versatile! Fundraising deadlines. Debates. Caucuses. Primaries. I don’t anticipate a particularly dignified concession speech.
ANYWAY. Seems Ron wrote and published a book in which he brags about persecuting Disney for protected political speech, which experts say may come back to bite him in the lawsuit where Disney alleges he, um, persecuted them for…well, for protected political speech. Perhaps his next book can be on the legal perils of spending one’s political life pandering to proto-fascist primary voters.
I feel bad for Joe Biden. He’d almost gotten away with all his dastardly crimes when, at the last possible moment, the scheme unraveled under the unforgiving gaze of the world’s greatest buddy detectives: Chuck Grassley and James Comer.Can’t wait to see this mega-credible whistleblower’s cactus art.
I bet Joe’s already impeached by the time you read this. If not hung. I mean, when has Honest Jimmy Comer ever led us astray?
So, Herschel Walker apparently fleeced a Republican megadonor out of half a million dollars, and seriously…imagine getting conned by Herschel Walker. The “I don’t want to be a vampire any more, I want to be a werewolf” guy tricked you into giving him five hundred and thirty-five thousand, two hundred dollars. Congratulations.
The entire con, by the way, was “wire the money here kthxbye.” And it worked. I don’t think we’ll need Newman & Redford for this one.
Look you guys, I’m sure Clarence Thomas has lots of bills Harlan Crow doesn’t pay. He keeps a Junior Saver checking account open to buy Harlan birthday presents, for example. (Yes, the balance is unspent allowance money.) Plus, he likes to save a few bills for Leonard Leo to pay.
In their party’s latest love letter to democracy, Texas Republicans’re actually trying to grant themselves the power to overturn elections in Just This One Heavily Democratic County. Sounds legit, fellas.
I was surprised to hear about the toxic workplace culture at, of all places, Steven Crowder’s corner of the wingnut rageosphere. I always pictured a rather serene office, a place of Bible study interrupted only by the periodic feeding of orphans.
Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt called for Clifford the Big Red Dog to be euthanized, for insufficient hatred of gay people, and for defecating in the litter box designated for the woke, furry children. Clifford’s lawyers plan to appeal to the Supreme Court, but I bet Amy Coney Barrett thinks dogs don’t have souls, so he’s probably fucked.
So I guess Elon Musk has been sending threatening emails to NPR reporters, because that’s the kind of super-cool shit you get to do when you’re a billionaire. I never thought of myself as susceptible to status envy, but when you watch a man attempt (and fail) to blackmail a public radio company into tweeting more, you can’t help but think GOD THAT SHOULD BE MEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Another extremely impressive genius is Vladimir Putin, wonder what he’s been up to? False flagging himself while his pet warlord threatens to abandon the field for want of ammunition? But he’s doing it all shirtless and on horseback, so it’s wicked awesome. Ted Cruz is positively moist.
Also, “Russian Soldiers Camped in Chernobyl's Radioactive Forest. Guess What Happened Next.” It’s almost too dazzling to look upon. The glory of the Russian empire reborn, I mean.
If anybody feels like steering an unaccountable half million into my beer fridge fund, know that I have no political favors to grant in return, but that I will absolutely drink that much beer. Stay safe out there, folks.
